Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
