Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
