i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
