Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
