I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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