The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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