True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
