I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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