You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
