did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
