Just fell off a train. Bad.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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