____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
