you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
