apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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