i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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