i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
