If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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