Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
