I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
