We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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