what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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