i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
