the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
