I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
