my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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