The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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