From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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