Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
