Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
