He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
