My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
