Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
sarcasm needs its own font
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
