You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
