My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
