The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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