I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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