What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
