I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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