I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
