Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
