DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
