I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
