you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
