if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
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