You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
