Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
