he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
