how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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