In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
