Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
