Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
