weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
